2014… a new year

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There was a lot that came to pass since the last time I wrote an entry on my blog. A relationship that I believed was the last one I would enter ended and a career path I was also sure would last for years to come has become rocky.

 

On January 6th as I was spending some time decompressing on Pintrest after a long day at work I found the quote: “Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.” While the ground underneath my feet seems shaky the quote cemented something in my head I had long forgotten. Sometimes things fall apart for better things to come together. Don’t let other dictate how you live your life.

If a relationship isn’t working, if it is broken in a way that cannot be fixed it is okay to walk away.

If your job doesn’t give you fulfillment, it doesn’t inspire you, it is okay to walk away.

You get one life to live, make sure it is the one you want.

On November 4th 2013 I made a choice to get healthier. It wasn’t because I hated my body or my life or myself like I used to, it was because I wanted to be healthier. I started a challenge that my siblings and father had done before me. It was 24 days that gave you a way to clean out your system from all the junk and teach your body to crave better food. Since then I have not had a sip of pop and my experience to eating out has changed as well. I find myself wanting whole grain breads, pastas, brown rice and when I want something sweet I crave fruit. 

Two weeks before that was when the relationship that had lasted over a year and a half had ended and while I had been the one to walk away it made me realize that sometimes love is not enough to hold a relationship together.

I have since lost 12 lbs. The only vice that came back was drinking coffee, which I do blame on the appearance of Tim Hortons in town. And today I joined a gym. I needed an outlet. With the stress of work and the time I need to work through my emotional ending to my relationship. 

I guess the point of the blog is to make sure that you use your 2014 to find your dreams, to find yourself and to love who you are.

Anniversaries

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There are days that happen in everyones life that will always hold some sort of meaning. That will always act as a bookmark so to speak to your life.

February 22nd is one of those days to me. For so many reasons it seems insane.

1)Growing up this day was the birthday of my best friend in the whole world. We were born 1 year and 7 months apart to the day. We went through a lot of things together. Saw each others firsts in so many regards. We challenged each other, we weren’t always close but there was always love, always appreciation. We may not have always seen eye to eye but we had enough respect for each other to come out of those situations better. We are still connected in so many ways and I still count her as one of my forever friends.

2) In 2003 this became the day I would always remember as my first date with the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Turns out 9 years later this date would hold something of a bittersweet feeling. I can look back on that first date and smile, we were sooo young. I was sooo in awe of that boy. Things seemed simpler then. After years of hardship, after years of good memories and fights the love that started way back when, ended.

Bringing me to the 3) reason this date hold significance to me. This one is a little more difficult to talk about. 4 years ago I would say I hit rock bottom in my life. After everything that happened in 2007, the loss of both my grandfathers, my aunt diagnoses with cancer and the ending of my relationship discussed in #2, the beginning of 2008 became some of the roughest terrain I would try to brave in my life. It is during that time that I lost my footing.

February 22nd, 2008 is the night my life changed forever. It was a night that I went searching for the answers to all my problems in the bottom of a bottle of vodka. Now I have never been a big drinker, I can handle my liquor pretty well but I am not one who likes to “lose control” so it was never high on my priority list. That night I didn’t care. I heard a song on the radio and it just triggered all the pain I had been feeling, it triggered a million and a half memories that I couldn’t handle and I wanted to forget. I didn’t want to deal any more. I most of all didn’t care if I woke up the next morning. Now this is the part of my life I am not so proud of. Yet today on the 4 year anniversary of that day I realize that I woke up that next morning for a reason.

That every day I have woken up since has been a gift and should be treated as one. The person I was before 2008 and the person I have grown into are different. I fight each day to over come old habits I had formed over years before that fateful night. I realized that I have no desire to go back to my old ways. That even on my darkest days now that I am not anywhere close to those dark days leading up to the vodka bottle. That I have become secure in the person I am. It is on days like today that I take time to reflect on that.

This day did not used to be so easy to look back on, it used to break my heart knowing what I had almost done. That I had been so reckless, that I had allowed myself to become so lost in the pain. It was a reminder of who I used to be, a person I was not always proud of admitting to being. Each year this day has meant something different. This  year it has offered me the opportunity to reflect. Allowing yourself the ability to reflect on who you were, who you are, who you want to become gives you the best opportunity to grow, to better yourself, to believe in the greatness you possess.

Everyone has a past, everyone has things they are not proud of, everyone has made mistakes, it is what they do after that is really what should count for something, it is how they stand up after the fall that should define them more than the fall itself. On the 23rd of February I woke up, I took one look in the mirror and asked who the person was looking back at me. I realized that day that I had 3 choices, give up, give in or to give it all I could.

It was a battle I decided was worth fighting.

I was worth fighting for that day.

I have days that I still get down, I have days I wonder if I made the right choice, we all do, but it is on those days you get the chance to see how far you have come, you get a new perspective. My choice was worth it. Because of everything good that has come into my life since, because of the way I view life now. I wouldn’t pass those things up for anything in the world. I am truly grateful and  lucky.

Don’t be afraid of your past, it is part of what makes you you, beautifully, incredibly, strong, wonderful you. Keep moving forward, know that you are never fighting that battle alone. Allow yourself to see the beauty in yourself and in the world around you.

 

Love always

K

Looking back

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Here we are 15 days into the new year and I ask myself what has changed about my life.

1) I have left a job. I worked for them for 18 months, doing various jobs all around the store. I met some amazing people who are genuine, kind, funny and ones I will never forget. The answer became clear to me upon my return home that the path I had been walking for 4 months was not something I cared to repeat in the new year. This choice about the job was easy. While I had a certain loyalty to them as a company the upper management had left some things to be desired and I was unappreciated as an employee more and more. I decided that it would be best on all parts considered had I just left  on the best terms we could have. I will miss those certain few but believe we will find a way to stay in touch regardless.

2) Cutting back hours at another job. I had talked about in previous posts how my work load sat pretty fairly around 80 hours a week. I had to really ask myself if this was a pattern I wanted to continue or not. I decided the best thing for everyone involved would be for me to stop spreading myself so thin. That I could actually provide better to my jobs if I was more rested, more focused on the tasks at hand. I believe that I have been able to do that more so now.

3) Smile more. This is something that in December I felt like happened very little and I decided that was a true misfortune, a true downfall. Life is full of craziness, full of darkness and if you let it into your heart it can change so much about how you view the world. I had done that in 2011. While I had my reasons, while I had exhausted myself to the point I couldn’t fight my demons anymore I realized that it was not the life I wanted for myself. Bad things happen, Darkness falls upon us all, but that doesn’t give us a right to shut out the sunlight, to stop seeing the good.

4) Sleeping more. The love affair I used to joke about falling apart between me and my bed has returned and I am so happy about it. I realized how much easier it is to battle demons when you have sleep. So #4 has helped me a lot with #3. It is funny how you can start drawing parallels between sleeping and happiness. But I must warn that it can be a slippery slope too, sometimes too much sleep can be a warning sign of how much darkness you have allowed into your heart. Be careful. Be mindful.

5) Learning to trust someone to be there on the bad days. This is something that has been very hard for me. I am strongly, stubbornly independent. I have been that way for a long time, just ask my mom. I drove them nuts for years because I didn’t talk to them, I didn’t tell them what was bothering me, I tried to do it all on my own. I have found someone recently who has pushed me back when I try to push them away. Who has stuck by me through the bad days of dark December and found ways to make me smile when no one else could. It is in great part to this person that I have been able to find myself again. Their encouragement to do so, matched with the support and love of my family has made me realize how much trusting people to be there can help fight the darkness away.

I encourage you all to think about the ways your life has changed. Whether it be in 15 days, in 30 days, or over the past 6 months. Take a minute to look back, reflect. See how you have grown as a person and ask if you are the person you want to be.

Life is a crazy, beautiful time. Enjoy all the moments you can.

Find your 5 things

All my love

K

Steps forward

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2012… Strange to think that we are sitting here at the beginning of a new year. That another one is down in the record books.

My mantra for the year is: “Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.” I have been reflecting a lot over the past 48 hours, something about New Years makes you do that for yourself. I realized how much I spent the last 4 months of 2011 working my ass off. 80 hour work weeks, 5 hours of sleep on a good night and barely seeing my friends, hardly holding up conversations with family. It is strange to think how quickly a few days can turn into weeks, weeks fade into months and all of a sudden the year is over.

Now there is nothing I can do about the way I spent those four months, and I am sure that there are many things I missed out on participating in but there are steps I can take now to make sure things change. I realized as I rang in the new year with an old friend and some new found ones how important making time actually is. Making the time, making the effort to share your life with people. Humans are by nature social creatures. I had pretty much eliminated that aspect of my life by limiting my schedule to pretty much work. I did luck out, I found some amazing co-workers who have single handedly helped me maintain my sliver of sanity. But it is also because of them that I want more for my life. I don’t want to just walk through my life anymore, I want to thrive in it.

Right now I am scared out of my mind. 2012 is going to bring new adventures, new challenges. I am about ready to push past any comfort level I have had and reach for something new. Right now I am struggling with that, it is a risk, it is a gamble, it is an all or nothing type of deal. What I am realizing right now however is that it is better to try to have it all and lose than to sit on the sidelines and wonder what if.

Resolutions:

1) Make a life, it is okay to work hard but remember to allow yourself  to live your life. Find my PASSION.

2) Enjoy more, laugh more, love more 🙂

3) Patience

4) Smile every day, a REAL SMILE.

5) Restore faith in myself.

My resolutions are not going to come true over night, they are things I will get to work at everyday. There will be days I fall apart, there will be days where everything seems blurry, but there are days I will succeed, there are days I will exceed expectations. Remember there are always two sides to a coin, a yin and a yang to life. So do what you have to to take the steps forward.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”- Lao Tzu

Coastal Highway

What will you find along your road?

 

Come along with me on a journey, an adventure, a new beginning 🙂

 

Hope and love

K

Personal Road Trip – Destination Unknown

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I meant to post this before I left the airport to fly home for xmas… but seeing as the one airport doesn’t have free internet and I have barely touched my computer since before my vacation this is the first chance I have had… The things in which I was talking about are still true and I am going to make more of an effort to stay up with this. A journey back to being true to myself… here goes nothing.

 

“As I drove four hours this morning to catch a plane I had a lot of time with my thoughts. I had a lot of time to just look at my surroundings. It has become very apparent to me in the last few weeks, maybe even months how much I have stopped taking the time to look at things and wonder. To look at things and get lost in them. The simple things. Like the way the sun comes over the horizon and reflects off the frost covered fields and trees. How a frozen lake offers you a “picture” of the last ripples made on the once glossy surface. I forgot what it meant to me to take that time. How finding the “simple” things in life can offer you a kind of peace that has been lacking.

 

A friend showed me the saying recently, “never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life”. As much as I wish I could say that I was living up to that saying I have actually failed at it. My drive this morning reminded me of that. I work somewhere around 80 hours a week, I have used every excuse in the book. I made commitments to both places, I need the money, got bills to pay, ect. Truth is, I was making it by before, working around 50 hrs a week, yes things were tighter but I was still above the water.

 

Truth is I was using work as a way to escape from the emotional turmoil. In the year of 2011 i have faced a lot of loneliness, I have faced the destruction of relationships, I have watched as the life of someone I held dear was taken from her bit by bit, I was faced with the possibility of a new love to have reality rear it’s ugly head and ensure the relationship would end before it even began. Getting lost in work, pushing myself to give everything I could to my jobs made escaping seem so much easier. And it was for a while. Truth be told, 2.5 months of that pace, after already having a near empty tank was a little too much to ask of myself. I found that the smiling I used to do for no reason at all had disappeared. I became a robot that went from job, to job to home, sleep, and repeat, day after day until they all blurred together. All of a sudden I am packing my bags to head back home for christmas. Why does it feel like I just left the memorial service back in October.

 

The emotional roller coaster I put myself on the past few months trying to convince myself I was fine hurt me more than helped. I keep repeating behaviors that I know do not work for me. And I have found myself believing that I don’t deserve anything good again. How did I get back here?

 

Over the next seven days I am going to take the opportunity to find my strength. To look at the world the way my 17 month old niece does and find the wonder again. I want to find the side of me that randomly smiled, whose heart was full of love ready to be offered to anyone who needed it and the one that realized how important it was to find your passion and follow it. I am on a personal road trip, destination not really known but I am going to find a way to find the beauty and wonder in the journey.”

 While the trip did not offer all that I hoped it would, it made me realize that the journey ahead is not a one day fix, it is going to take time, effort, hard work but I believe that the journey towards that is my true reward.
Onward and upward 🙂
Love
K

Respect Earned, Not Deserved

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Webster defines “Respect” as this: “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” Now what about the definition makes anyone believe they DESERVE IT? It seems as if it is earned by their actions. After all actions tend to speak louder than words. However words can shatter the fragile glass that holds respect for someone intact.

Recently, I have found that people in a position of power believe that they deserve the respect of those that work underneath them. While there is some truth to this idea, I was always taught growing up that respect was something that was earned, and after it was broken it was even harder to earn back.

In a situation where a new person is introduced to a tight knit group of people who have been through a lot together, have learned about each other’s quirks and have found a way to respect and co-exist with one another, they struggle to find their way in. They are in a position of power and are throwing their weight around hoping people will give them respect for that and that alone. I am not sure I understand the logic behind that. How thinking belittling people will help you gain the respect of people you are surrounding yourself with.

I do my best everyday to respect the people in my life who have given me the same. Many of them have earned my respect by simply being themselves. I try to act in ways that I find respectable. I do not believe myself to be better than anyone solely based on the position we hold in life, everyone is a person who has some worth. I don’t understand how throwing your weight around, demanding respect, and making someone else feel small would benefit anyone.

Remember that your words carry weight but that your actions, the way you carry yourself will display so much more about the person you truly are. People tend to respect others who are themselves, who do the best they can, admit when they mess up, do better next time, who are humble and can find a way to laugh at themselves.

Just remember who you want to be. How you want to be perceived by those around you. Respect yourself.

 

All my love

K

Deep Breath

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….I breathe in, I breathe out…

For me if someone goes after someone I care about I am more likely to fight with them then if the attack had been thrown in my direction. That truth about myself has become more apparent to me recently. If people want to throw stones in my direction that is one thing, I will take that, however, if the same stones are being thrown at someone I care about it is game on.

I have been asking myself a lot recently how the mama lion will come out for others but not for me. I think that reveals a truth about myself that I have drastically ignored. The reason I will fight like hell for them is because they are just as much apart of what makes me me as I am. The people I have allowed to be close with me in my life are my strength, they are my lifelines and there for I want to protect them. And while I protect them, I also am protecting myself. Does that make any sense?

Recently I have encountered a person whom frustrates me on almost a daily basis and it is someone I have to see a lot. His behavior has always kind of rubbed me the wrong way but up until recently it didn’t bother me to such a degree that I am willing to say something about it.

Everyone has the right to be their own person, express their own opinions and I will not challenge them on it if their views do not line up with mine. However, I do have a problem with someone insulting a friend of mine, and in turn me with his comment, in front of a group of people and thinking that their actions will not come back to bite them in the ass. When it first happened I had to take the moment, take a deep breath and calm myself. For if I had directed an outburst back at him in front of a group of people that would make me no better then him.

I have had two days to think about the best way to handle the situation and have realized that standing up for my friend in this situation is what is best. No one has the right to insult a person behind their back, it truly makes you a coward and it is a trait that I do not understand. And while I am not one for confrontation at all I do believe there are things worth fighting for, and there are people in my life that that rule applies to.

 

So… in moments of anger, sadness, frustration the best thing I can tell you to do is take a deep breath and center yourself. It is in moments of great emotion that sometimes we make our gravest errors. I didn’t want to make an error on behalf of my friend or on my own behalf. I encourage you to remember that when you face a similar situation.

I keep trying to remind myself of that, keep reminding myself that certain battles are not worth fighting. That in the long run they will be nothing more then a faded memory kept tucked away in a corner of your mind collecting dust. But in that moment, in that exact moment where something has sparked such a deep emotion how do you know? How do you know if it is a little thing or a big thing? That comes down to you. What in your life is going to be a defining moment? What in your life are you willing to let go of?

Stopping, taking a moment and asking those questions is the best thing you can do for yourself. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”

Don’t let someone control you with anger. Choose the path you want to follow all on your own.

 

Deep Breath, Love –

K